o how to look at someone else and understand how she manages her home without feeling less about you is to really know yourself. You need to know what you like, do not like, how you work best and how you do not. Your learning styles, decorating preferences, etc.

Get to know yourself. How do you work best? What do you love to do? Not, what does she love to do? Not, what color paint did she pick out?

Here’s an exercise. Think about how you want to make Shabbos. There are women who have a set schedule and their routine is like clockwork. Sunday is challah and chicken day. Monday is baking day. Tuesday is grocery shopping day and kugel day. Wednesday is gefilte fish, and chicken soup day. Friday is egg salad, tuna salad, and cholent.

Or, do you want to make Shabbos in its entirety Thursday night?

Other women do not really have a schedule. They cook when they feel inspired, sometimes needing to buy prem

It is so easy to feel bad about our homemaking efforts. “Look at so and so, she is always put together, children are impeccably dressed, and erev Shabbos is calm and collected.” Sound familiar?

I think comparing ourselves to other women (a.k.a, jealousy) is a problem for a lot of us. What happens when we do compare ourselves to other women who seem to manage the home perfectly? We get stuck.

Has that ever happened to you? You get motivated to improve something about how you manage the home or yourself, and then hear of or see another woman doing the same thing but better. For example, say you want to improve your grocery shopping habits. You organize yourself with a list and feel proud of yourself. You share your gratification with another woman who says, “Oh, I don’t do it like that. I have a color coded list organized according to the aisles of the supermarket and it works great for me.”

You have two choices. Sometimes you may feel genuinely grateful, “Oh. I can really use this tidbit of information and incorporate it into my own home. Thanks.” Other times it only brings out feelings of inferiority.

Feeling inferior does not usually have the positive effect on people that it could. You know, the good kind of jealousy. The kind that inspires us to change and improve. “Wow, she never speaks lashon harah! I wish I could be like that!” For many of us, it inspires a feeling of inadequacy squelching whatever motivation to change that could have arisen. “She never speaks lashon harah. I feel so bad that I do. I’ll never be like that. She is a much better person. I am so bad.”

The negative reaction that results from feelings of inferiority and inadequacy does not just stop there. It continues to go in a downward cycle leading to stagnation and stuckness.

Think of it. Because the woman who came up with the grocery list saw that her friend had an even better way of doing it, one that was “much more organized” than hers, she figured, “Why bother!” and stopped even trying to improve her grocery shopping.

Grocery shopping of course is a small example. You can see how potentially damaging comparing ourselves to others can be. What if the example was not grocery shopping? What if it was something related to the way we treat our husbands or our kids and the way we run our home?

Our family needs us women to be the Kohen gadol of our Bais Hamikdash. We are the keepers of our home and what a holy position to be in.

We cannot afford to compare our organizing and homemaking abilities to the next woman. We cannot afford to stop wanting to improve ourselves as mothers and wives and daughters of Israel.

Comparing ourselves to other Jewish women will risk our jobs. The desire to be ourselves will be subservient to the desire to be someone else.

What can we do? It is so natural to look at our neighbor with her 6 children of close ages toddling behind her and wonder, “How does she do it?”

I believe there are two answers. Yes, it is natural to look at someone else and wonder how she does it. And there is nothing wrong with that amazement. It becomes a problem when it leads to a self defeatist mentality.

If only there was a way we could act like we were on a fact finding mission. Pretend you are a reporter or interviewer or a data collector. Go on a fact finding mission. Find out what works for someone else. And then end your mission. Do not bring the results of your fact finding mission into your mind. Collect and assemble the data. And then do to it what you would do to any piece of paper, clutter or information. Delete it, Delegate it, or Delay it. There is nothing emotional about the 3 Ds.

The second response to how to look at someone else and understand how she manages her home without feeling less about you is to really know yourself. You need to know what you like, do not like, how you work best and how you do not. Your learning styles, decorating preferences, etc.

Get to know yourself. How do you work best? What do you love to do? Not, what does she love to do? Not, what color paint did she pick out?

Here’s an exercise. Think about how you want to make Shabbos. There are women who have a set schedule and their routine is like clockwork. Sunday is challah and chicken day. Monday is baking day. Tuesday is grocery shopping day and kugel day. Wednesday is gefilte fish, and chicken soup day. Friday is egg salad, tuna salad, and cholent.

Or, do you want to make Shabbos in its entirety Thursday night?

Other women do not really have a schedule. They cook when they feel inspired, sometimes needing to buy prem

hoices. Sometimes you may feel genuinely grateful, “Oh. I can really use this tidbit of information and incorporate it into my own home. Thanks.” Other times it only brings out feelings of inferiority.

Feeling inferior does not usually have the positive effect on people that it could. You know, the good kind of jealousy. The kind that inspires us to change and improve. “Wow, she never speaks lashon harah! I wish I could be like that!” For many of us, it inspires a feeling of inadequacy squelching whatever motivation to change that could have arisen. “She never speaks lashon harah. I feel so bad that I do. I’ll never be like that. She is a much better person. I am so bad.”

The negative reaction that results from feelings of inferiority and inadequacy does not just stop there. It continues to go in a downward cycle leading to stagnation and stuckness.

Think of it. Because the woman who came up with the grocery list saw that her friend had an even better way of doing it, one that was “much more organized” than hers, she figured, “Why bother!” and stopped even trying to improve her grocery shopping.

Grocery shopping of course is a small example. You can see how potentially damaging comparing ourselves to others can be. What if the example was not grocery shopping? What if it was something related to the way we treat our husbands or our kids and the way we run our home?

Our family needs us women to be the Kohen gadol of our Bais Hamikdash. We are the keepers of our home and what a holy position to be in.

We cannot afford to compare our organizing and homemaking abilities to the next woman. We cannot afford to stop wanting to improve ourselves as mothers and wives and daughters of Israel.

Comparing ourselves to other Jewish women will risk our jobs. The desire to be ourselves will be subservient to the desire to be someone else.

What can we do? It is so natural to look at our neighbor with her 6 children of close ages toddling behind her and wonder, “How does she do it?”

I believe there are two answers. Yes, it is natural to look at someone else and wonder how she does it. And there is nothing wrong with that amazement. It becomes a problem when it leads to a self defeatist mentality.

If only there was a way we could act like we were on a fact finding mission. Pretend you are a reporter or interviewer or a data collector. Go on a fact finding mission. Find out what works for someone else. And then end your mission. Do not bring the results of your fact finding mission into your mind. Collect and assemble the data. And then do to it what you would do to any piece of paper, clutter or information. Delete it, Delegate it, or Delay it. There is nothing emotional about the 3 Ds.

The second response to how to look at someone else and understand how she manages her home without feeling less about you is to really know yourself. You need to know what you like, do not like, how you work best and how you do not. Your learning styles, decorating preferences, etc.

Get to know yourself. How do you work best? What do you love to do? Not, what does she love to do? Not, what color paint did she pick out?

Here’s an exercise. Think about how you want to make Shabbos. There are women who have a set schedule and their routine is like clockwork. Sunday is challah and chicken day. Monday is baking day. Tuesday is grocery shopping day and kugel day. Wednesday is gefilte fish, and chicken soup day. Friday is egg salad, tuna salad, and cholent.

Or, do you want to make Shabbos in its entirety Thursday night?

Other women do not really have a schedule. They cook when they feel inspired, sometimes needing to buy prem

cery list saw that her friend had an even better way of doing it, one that was “much more organized” than hers, she figured, “Why bother!” and stopped even trying to improve her grocery shopping.

Grocery shopping of course is a small example. You can see how potentially damaging comparing ourselves to others can be. What if the example was not grocery shopping? What if it was something related to the way we treat our husbands or our kids and the way we run our home?

Our family needs us women to be the Kohen gadol of our Bais Hamikdash. We are the keepers of our home and what a holy position to be in.

We cannot afford to compare our organizing and homemaking abilities to the next woman. We cannot afford to stop wanting to improve ourselves as mothers and wives and daughters of Israel.

Comparing ourselves to other Jewish women will risk our jobs. The desire to be ourselves will be subservient to the desire to be someone else.

What can we do? It is so natural to look at our neighbor with her 6 children of close ages toddling behind her and wonder, “How does she do it?”

I believe there are two answers. Yes, it is natural to look at someone else and wonder how she does it. And there is nothing wrong with that amazement. It becomes a problem when it leads to a self defeatist mentality.

If only there was a way we could act like we were on a fact finding mission. Pretend you are a reporter or interviewer or a data collector. Go on a fact finding mission. Find out what works for someone else. And then end your mission. Do not bring the results of your fact finding mission into your mind. Collect and assemble the data. And then do to it what you would do to any piece of paper, clutter or information. Delete it, Delegate it, or Delay it. There is nothing emotional about the 3 Ds.

The second response to how to look at someone else and understand how she manages her home without feeling less about you is to really know yourself. You need to know what you like, do not like, how you work best and how you do not. Your learning styles, decorating preferences, etc.

Get to know yourself. How do you work best? What do you love to do? Not, what does she love to do? Not, what color paint did she pick out?

Here’s an exercise. Think about how you want to make Shabbos. There are women who have a set schedule and their routine is like clockwork. Sunday is challah and chicken day. Monday is baking day. Tuesday is grocery shopping day and kugel day. Wednesday is gefilte fish, and chicken soup day. Friday is egg salad, tuna salad, and cholent.

Or, do you want to make Shabbos in its entirety Thursday night?

Other women do not really have a schedule. They cook when they feel inspired, sometimes needing to buy prem

desire to be someone else.

What can we do? It is so natural to look at our neighbor with her 6 children of close ages toddling behind her and wonder, “How does she do it?”

I believe there are two answers. Yes, it is natural to look at someone else and wonder how she does it. And there is nothing wrong with that amazement. It becomes a problem when it leads to a self defeatist mentality.

If only there was a way we could act like we were on a fact finding mission. Pretend you are a reporter or interviewer or a data collector. Go on a fact finding mission. Find out what works for someone else. And then end your mission. Do not bring the results of your fact finding mission into your mind. Collect and assemble the data. And then do to it what you would do to any piece of paper, clutter or information. Delete it, Delegate it, or Delay it. There is nothing emotional about the 3 Ds.

The second response to how to look at someone else and understand how she manages her home without feeling less about you is to really know yourself. You need to know what you like, do not like, how you work best and how you do not. Your learning styles, decorating preferences, etc.

Get to know yourself. How do you work best? What do you love to do? Not, what does she love to do? Not, what color paint did she pick out?

Here’s an exercise. Think about how you want to make Shabbos. There are women who have a set schedule and their routine is like clockwork. Sunday is challah and chicken day. Monday is baking day. Tuesday is grocery shopping day and kugel day. Wednesday is gefilte fish, and chicken soup day. Friday is egg salad, tuna salad, and cholent.

Or, do you want to make Shabbos in its entirety Thursday night?

Other women do not really have a schedule. They cook when they feel inspired, sometimes needing to buy prem

o how to look at someone else and understand how she manages her home without feeling less about you is to really know yourself. You need to know what you like, do not like, how you work best and how you do not. Your learning styles, decorating preferences, etc.

Get to know yourself. How do you work best? What do you love to do? Not, what does she love to do? Not, what color paint did she pick out?

Here’s an exercise. Think about how you want to make Shabbos. There are women who have a set schedule and their routine is like clockwork. Sunday is challah and chicken day. Monday is baking day. Tuesday is grocery shopping day and kugel day. Wednesday is gefilte fish, and chicken soup day. Friday is egg salad, tuna salad, and cholent.

Or, do you want to make Shabbos in its entirety Thursday night?

Other women do not really have a schedule. They cook when they feel inspired, sometimes needing to buy premade foods when the inspiration hasn’t hit. Many times the cooking begins and ends on Friday.

Which way is right? Winging it? Or planning it? Whichever way feels right.

For the scheduled woman, your routine feels great; everyone is showered well before Shabbos, the meals are hot and fresh, you feel relaxed going into Shabbos. No wonder you stick to it!

You know what works for you.

On the other hand, some of you creative types might shudder at the schedule I mentioned above. It feels suffocating and boring to adhere to the same routine every week. You are proud to be laid back and spontaneous. And you love being that way.

So for you, we’ve got to strike a balance. It wouldn’t help to compare yourself to the perfectly structured woman who makes Shabbos the same way every week because that feels stifling to you and self defeating. And it is not you.

Yes, perhaps you need to get some routines going on so you feel more on top of things.

How can you do that?

Put your detective hat on (not your emotional hat) and go on a fact finding mission. Collect the data and decide what to do with it.